


Conversation

by scourgiez



Category: Total Drama (Cartoon)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Emotional pain, Feelings, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Not Shippy, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 15:19:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19337209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scourgiez/pseuds/scourgiez
Summary: “You don’t trust me. But that’s okay. Who does? I didn’t earn my reputation for nothing,” Mal’s smile doesn’t budge but his expression darkens, barely noticeable in the fading sunlight. “I wouldn’t trust me either. It’s not sad, though. In fact, it’s not sad at all!”---mal and zoey sit n talk. also there's a sunset





	Conversation

**Author's Note:**

> pretty self-explanatory!! mal and zoey sit and talk on a rooftop. i develop mal more and kiiiiinda also zoey
> 
> [deviantart](https://www.deviantart.com/sisyphuscourgie) . [tumblr](https://scourgiez.tumblr.com/)

Zoey jumped when she heard his voice.

She was sitting on the rooftop when she heard his footsteps approach her. She knew he was coming, and she at least thought she knew who exactly was behind her. What made her jump was the voice. God, she hasn't heard that voice in years.

She didn't dare turn around. She didn't want to see him looking at her, she didn't want to remember the subtle change in body language and the dullness of eyes that separated him from Mike. Instead, she stared forward, facing the sun that was slowly sinking below the horizon. 

"What was that?" Her throat was dry when she spoke. A warm summer's night breeze ruffled her hair and she noticed her face was damp with sweat.

"I just said hello, Zoey" 

There was that voice again. Can he cut that out? Ugh, Zoey, you're being difficult. Stop being weird and mysterious. It's okay. Breathe.

"What do you want?"

"I came outside to sit down, and I found you here, is that okay?"

There he goes with that stupid sarcastic tone of his. Was he being sarcastic? You can never tell with that guy. Zoey never found herself to truly hate people, she always found a good part in everybody! But not him. Not Mal. She hates him and she can't find any good whatsoever. It's like he's a void of anything happy, a black hole that just makes a whole room of laughing people go quiet. Okay. Maybe she's being extreme. But that's what he made her feel! He's up to no good, and she can feel it.

"Something tells me you aren't just up here to sit down."

"Yeah, you're right. I lied." God, can he be any more blunt? 

"Then what are you up here for?"

"Ah, but if I told you, I'd have to kill you!"

She heard him walking towards her and in a rush of fear she whipped her head around to face him. He looked... normal. At least as normal as someone like Mal could look. His hair and weird smirk-y expression was almost exactly like she remembered, along with his dull, tired eyes that were probably the most unreadable things on the planet. He was wearing jeans with a Total Drama participation hoodie; something they gave all the contestants after the show. She found it silly that after the torture they endured all they got in return was a stupid participation hoodie, but the material was comfortable so she's not going to throw her's out just yet (no matter how badly she wanted to). 

"I'm kidding. Jail sucks."

Oh. Right. Yeah, jail sucks. Mal wouldn't kill her because, well, jail sucks. Of course. He walks over to her slowly and sits down next to her just as slowly, like he's waiting for her to react suddenly. Instead, she's watching his movements. She's not sure what She's expecting. He's unpredictable; he could be just sitting down like a normal person or getting at a good angle to push her off or something. You never know with his guy. Finally he manages to sit down and Zoey huffs and scoots a little away from him, hoping he doesn't notice. He does, of course, and looks down at her with a blank expression before swinging his skinny legs over the side of the rooftop.

"So you really just came here to sit, huh?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

Mal quirks an eyebrow at her but doesn't respond. Okay. That was mildly suspicious. Everything he does is suspicious. Can he stop being so suspicious? 

He eventually mutters something so unintelligible Zoey doesn't even think it's actual English for a second.

"What?"

"Christ, Zoey, can you hear? I said is there a problem with me being on the rooftop? Do I dare not walk out of the premise of my apartment? Am I going to cause the world havoc and pain by stepping out of the semi-marked boundaries of my property?" 

Wow. He's probably the most dramatic person she has ever met.

"Mal, I haven't seen you in years, and the last time we've interacted you tried to kill me. Do you think I'm just going to start trusting you because you've managed to make it from your apartment to the roof without hurting anyone?"

He has the audacity to look offended by this. 

"Okay, you've made your point. It's not a good one, but it's there. No, I haven't seen you in years. But yes, I have made it up here without hurting anyone and no, I don't expect you to trust me."

He rolls his eyes in the most theatric way possible before continuing.

"Mike," he says his name like it's a disease, pausing only to scrunch his face in disgust, "Your friend. Your man. Ol' mikey boy. I worked out something with him- er, well, he worked out something with me. He said that I can have time to front only if I 'make things right again and behave!' Gross. I think we both know I'm not going to do that." He chuckles uncomfortably and shifts around, and Zoey doesn't know if he's intentionally being awkward or not.

"Make things right, huh?" 

"Yeah, I guess. But I'm not going to do it."

"Maybe answering a few of my questions is a good start?"

"Jesus, Zoey, what did I just say! I'm not the 'making things better type'. I'm the... making things worse type," He smirks and looks at her like he thinks he's cool by saying that.

She responds by sighing and looking back at him. 

Zoey hated how much he looked like Mike. She wished he could just shapeshift into something monstrous and ugly, and not keep the same features as the one she loves. He still has the jet black hair, soft and wavy as it curves at an almost infuriatingly unnatural angle to cover his eye. He still has the smooth, light brown skin that looked almost burnt orange in the red sunset. He still had the slight baby face that made him appear innocent, it was definitely something that would be the first to go if mal could actually shape shift. He still had the skinny frame and absurdly long limbs that made cuddling on the couch a full-time job- as if the couch was even tall enough to fit Mike in the first place. He looked just like Mike, in almost every way. 

But, there was always subtle differences. There was always things that separated him from Mike besides his stupid hair style that he refuses to let go of. His eyes- for instance. The shiny, chocolate brown eyes were dull and lifeless when Mal would front. It was terrible to look at. Zoey first saw those eyes during All Stars, and she had no idea it was Mal. She thought Mike might have just not been feeling well, but he didn’t want to worry her by saying anything. Yeah, that seems like something he would do. Oh, Mike. He cares so much for her. If only he knew what he was doing to her by letting Mal front and force a conversation out of her. 

The voice is different. It’s deeper and more sinister, but silly at the same time. At first, it scared her. But of course, she was scared anyway. After some time she found it amusing. You could tell mike’s voice wasn’t meant to be that deep, so it make’s Mal’s voice sound strainy and weird at times. It’s easy to zone out listening to him speak in the usual monotone voice, and she doesn’t realize he’s speaking until he snaps his fingers in front of her face.

“Zooooeeeeyy. Zoey. Hello? Earth to Zo”

She shakes her head then turns back towards him. “Yes?” 

“Oh my God. Were you listen to a thing I say? I asked you what types of questions then you just tapped out for a minute. Do you do this all the time? If Mike hasn’t completely lost it by now he would talking to you for more than a few seconds.”

Zoey just glared at him. God, he was infuriating! She stared for more time than she needed to before looking back at the sunset, not wanting to zone out again. 

“Where is Mike now?” She figured she’s start with the basics. She wanted to know everything was okay before she went on. Memories from All Stars made her shiver. 

Mal lifted his arm to tap on his head with his index finger, smiling the whole time. 

“Right up in here. Don’t worry, he’s okay. we made a deal, remember? Or do you need me to repeat that too?” 

"Ugh, no. I just don't trust you, especially after what happened during the show."

Mal's smile faded into a scowl as he looked back towards the sunset. Zoey glanced at him a second and cocked her head.

"So, you do regret your actions during All Stars?"

"Re- what? I don't regret anything."

"Hm. I think you do. You're being awfully defensive."

"Zoey, sweetheart, I don't think you get it," He turned to face her fully now, his right leg scooting back onto the roof "I don't regret anything I did in All Stars. I said I don't want to make things right because I don't care enough. I seriously could care less about what I did on the show and who it effected"

"That's not any way to live."

"You're killing me, Zo. That's just who I am. I'm a sociopath who makes shitty plans- and I don't even live in a body most of the time, so what's it matter? I just. Don't. Care. I'm not trying to be theatric. I'm not trying to be cool. I'm just me. And being a jerk is who I am."

She squinted at him "And who would want to be that?"

"I don't know! Me? I'm not actively trying to be a jerk here. That's my personality and I can't change it. I can't have an Ebenezer Scrooge moment and start being nice suddenly. No one would accept it! People know I'm mean and have no remorse. If I let go of that, than who will I be?" 

She glanced sharply at him and he gave her a cruel smirk before continuing. 

“You don’t trust me. But that’s okay. Who does? I didn’t earn my reputation for nothing,” Mal’s smile doesn’t budge but his expression darkens, barely noticeable in the fading sunlight. “I wouldn’t trust me either. It’s not sad, though. In fact, it’s not sad at all!” 

Zoey stared at him while he chuckled to himself. He noticed her staring and looked back with equal intensity. 

“That’s not very funny.”

“Oof! Ouch! That hurt, Zo. I think I’ll have to go away and leave if you keep being mean to me like that.”

Zoey rubbed her fingers on her temples. “Ugh! Don’t leave. This is just getting interesting. Could you please stop being so difficult?”

Mal put his hand to his mouth in mock surprise. “Who, me? Being difficult? Well, excuse me, I’ll have to stop being so out of character and talk to you, seeing as how you’re my favorite person to be around.”

Zoey scowled at him and put her hand on her forehead. What is she kidding? Talking to him is a waste of time. She could be doing anything right now! Did he have to ruin her sunset?

“You are annoyed with me,” Mal said mater-of-factly, “not that I care, but it’s obvious.”

His expression softened and he looked away from her for a second “Listen, Zoey. I’m a terrible person. I was a terrible person when I was younger and in juvie, I was a terrible person in All Stars, and I’m a terrible person now. What do you want out of me? Wow! You’ve figured it out! Hanging out with me might not be the best thing in the world. But you are different, Zo. You still have a spark in you that tells yourself that you, a random indie girl that was in a stupid tv show could HELP me.”

He looked back at her and smiled, “I have learned from experience that I can’t BE helped. If some person with a PHD and wearing a shiny white coat can’t help me, certainly YOU can’t. If you want to try, go ahead, try. It will drive you insane, but it will be fun to watch. At least for me.”

“I don’t understand you,” she put her face in her hands “I don’t understand you...”

“But it’s easy! It’s easy to understand! Just like it’s easy to understand why you keep being nice to people. Let’s say someone told you to stop being nice to people. Let’s say everyone told you that you were wrong and you needed to be helped. Let’s say someone took you by the shoulders and shook you until you were dizzy, the whole time lecturing you NOT to be nice to people. I’m sure you would keep on being a goody two-shoes.”

“That’s a terrible analogy!”

“No, no, no, no, it’s not. It’s just not your opinion. Opinions aren’t facts, sweetheart. My opinion is that humanity needs to suffer before I’m happy. My opinion is that those who cause me pain get the guillotine. Facts are different. The facts are that Mike and I have had a long history together. The facts are that we’re both messed up in the brains. The facts are that whoever caused me the greatest pain is either dead or far away from here.”

“Still. Terrible analogy, and terrible opinions. Being mean and cruel is no way to get through life. People then just don’t want to hang around you” She glanced at him for a split second to see he was still smiling at her.

“But do I really ‘go through life’? Am I really ALIVE here? Do I count as a person? The answers are as plain as day. No, no and no. I’m part of a person, Zoey. I know it’s hard to wrap your mind around but I’m not my own person, believe it or not! Yeah I have my own walk, I have my own voice, I have my own thoughts and God knows I have my own opinions. But I don’t count as a citizen. I can’t buy my own house. I can’t buy my own car or even choose the bed I want to sleep in! I’m not a whole person, so why live like one? Why pretend? Pretending gets so old."

"Sometimes pretending is for the better," Zoey stated, eyeing him. "Sometimes people don't like who you are. Sometimes who you are is morally incorrect, like yourself. I don't know why you are like you are, and I doubt I ever will. What I don't understand is how you don't care. You don't let people help you out!"

He grinned widely and threw his arms out. "Ah, but I don't care! You got it exactly right! And those people don't want to help me, because I don't want help. They just want to fix me, they just want me to be like everybody else. Normal. But I don't want to be fixed! I am perfectly fine being a monster, because that's who I am! I don't want to just be like everyone else because, obviously, I'm not like everyone else. Did you not hear my speech on why I'm not a whole person?"

Zoey rested her head in her hands. She looked towards him to see he was grinning softly towards the sunset, a reflection of the sinking star in his eyes. The orange light fading to an unnatural looking red. His hair moving gently in the breeze, and she resisted the urge to reach out and touch it. He most have saw her looking at him because he stared back at her. They sat in silence and just stared at each other as she let the words sink in. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but it could be the warm hues of the sun and exhaustion of the day settling in. 

"I love Mike. I want Mike to be happy. I want to fix you so Mike can be happy."

"Haven't I made it clear? I don't want to be fixed."

She was close to tears now. Oh God, was she going to cry with Mal watching her? Oh no please no Zoey don't do this to yourself oh God- and she was crying. 

Crying into her hands at least. She was secretly hoping Mal went blind in the 3 seconds it took for the waterworks to start up, so he wouldn't see her in such a weak position. But, he must have saw her shoulders move because he sighed under his breath and eyed her awkwardly. Eventually he put his hand on her back and rubbed a circle between her shoulder blades. "There's no reason to cry over it, Zoey. I can't change. That's it. Mike has me locked up anyways."

She continued to sob as he awkwardly sat beside her. It was obvious he wasn't the comforting type, but she didn't need him to speak. She didn't need him to do anything, if she was being perfectly honest. She just wanted to think and cry and think and...... what was she even crying about?

Oh, there was the whole "I can't change" thing Mal laid on her. She didn't know what she was expecting from him. She thought that maybe, possibly she could get through with him. Partly because she found good in everyone, everybody had to have good in them. She thought, in a way, Mal did have good in him. At least he's come to terms with himself. At least he didn't push her off the roof the second she got up here.

Another thing would be Mike. She hated that he had to deal with Mal constantly. She could understand why Mike hated him! She hasn't really talked to Mal before now and she made a mental note to never do it again. 

...however, she did learn something from him. Mike told him he could reconcile with the people he hurt and even if Mal was completely repulsed by the idea Zoey felt like his weird rant on how he likes being a terrible person was his own way of, well, apologizing. Yeah, sure, it was a terrible excuse for an apology but it was still there, the heaviness of his words still hung thick in the air like smog. 

She didn't even realize she stopped crying until she was done thinking. The sky was darkened significantly, and small stars dotted the blackness behind her. The sun was now well below the horizon, but the purple of twilight was still fading. 

"You can't change."

"I won't," Mal said. He took his hand off her back a while ago, and she didn't notice the pressure left until now. 

They sat for a few more seconds in strangely comfortable silence before Mal yawned suddenly and stood, then silently slipped away to God knows where. Probably back to the apartment to let Mike front again, he might have been getting suspicious anyways. At least she hoped. You never know with him. 

Zoey sat until it was completely dark before standing and yawning herself. The first cool breeze of night ruffled her hair and soothed her skin. It has been very hot this summer. A sticky, uncomfortable hot that made you sit inside and drink lemonade all day. She smiled at the thought as she opened the roof access door and walked down the narrow steps beck to her apartment.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! kudos and comments always help! <3


End file.
